How To: Party with celebrities

So you want to party with celebrities. Whatever you do, don't cry. You won't just look silly—you'll look unstable. Follow these steps to get you one step closer to hanging with the stars.

You Will Need:
• Self-restraint
• Composure
• Discriminating taste

Step 1: Be cool
Be cool. As US Weekly likes to say, "celebrities are just like us!" Wealthier, prettier, and more popular, to be sure, but human beings nonetheless. So refrain from gawking, giggling, staring, stalking, whispering, pointing, and frantic texting.

Step 2: Put the camera phone away
Put the camera phone away. Flashing a camera in someone's face is not the way to win friends.

Step 3: Stay away from clichés
Stay away from clichés like, "I'm your biggest fan," "I love your movies," and "You're my idol." Unless you want to be completely unoriginal.

Step 4: Don't talk business
Keep the conversation off Hollywood. Don't blather on about your screenplay, ask for advice about breaking into the business, or—God forbid—launch into a Hamlet monologue.

Step 5: Stay sober
Drink in moderation. Nothing is less attractive than a drunken nobody falling down stairs and yelling obscenities at inanimate objects. Nothing—except for a drunken nobody being forcibly removed by club security.

Step 6: Just say no
Just say no to D-list celebrities. If you find yourself tempted by former child actors or WWE personalities, you've no doubt ignored the previous step, and have had too much to drink. Go home now—or hate yourself in the morning.

Trivia: Former Beverly Hills, 90210 star Luke Perry reportedly met his ex-wife, Minnie, when she mailed him her bra.